I used to think the Japanese were pretty bad drivers. You had people who just casually rolled through red lights, drivers who'd mindlessly pull out into the street without any cares about oncoming traffic, and people who'd just stop and park right in the middle of the street. Considering just how difficult it is to get a drivers license here, it always amazed me how the Japanese could go through all the motions to get their license and then immediately start sucking.

I used to think the Japanese were bad drivers. But then I went to Thailand. Let me tell you, Thai drivers make the Japanese look like Miss Daisy.

I went to Thailand for what seemed like an innocent vacation. I arrived in Bangkok at 6AM one Saturday morning, and as my Lonely Planet* had suggested to do, queued up to take a metered taxi to my hotel. What my Lonely Planet did NOT tell me however was that by getting into the taxi, I was about to put my life on the line. I gave the driver a note the (not-so) friendly attendant had scribbled down, which contained my hotel's location written in Thai. The driver took a quick look, and off we went. And by "off we went", I really mean "blast-off."

I remember thinking in the taxi cab that, despite the 6AM arrival I wasn't really sleepy. I thought I could use the taxi drive as a nice change to get my first impression of the country, take in some of the sights as we headed into the city. That would have been a lovely idea if the sights hadn't been whizzing by my window in one unrecognizeable blur. "Hey, this guy's going kinda fast" I thought to myself, and craned my head a bit to try and get a peek at his speedometer. ...It was broken. Either it was broken, or it had done 360 degrees and gone all the way back to 0, that was a definite possibility. How the fuck do you *break* a speedometer? I have never seen that before in my life.

This driver was out of his goddamned head. He'd be flying down the highway, then come up upon a slowpoke car that was merely only going 90KPH or so. He'd ride that poor car's ass harder than a porn actress, honk at them, and when he finally got room to pass, swerve over, glare at the driver as he passed, and then cut him off for good measure. Passing was done in other lanes, in between other lanes, on the shoulder, hell, for a minute I thought he was going to "Go-go-Gadget taxi!" and straight up go over a car. I sat in the backseat and pondered if I'd accidentally somehow said in Thai "I need to get to my hotel...and if you don't get me there in 45 seconds or less I will eat you for breakfast."

Meanwhile, I managed to pick out a speed limit sign (ha!) among the blur of things streaking by my window. It read 60. ...60 what? 60 nautical miles per hour? 60 more seconds until we break the sound barrier? Warp Factor 60? I realized Thailand must not have a highway patrol or anything like that. Back in America, we got fined, what, an extra $100 for every 10mph over the speed limit? If that held true for Thailand, I figure that if this driver had been pulled over he would have owed the Thailand government approximately 1.3 trillion dollars.

I began to think about any possible escape options. The guy didn't seem to understand any English, so I couldn't lie and say I was going somewhere else (closer) to end the Ride From Hell sooner. I might have been able to point at something if the scenery was actually distinguishable beyond the windows. If I spotted a 7-11 100 meters ahead, by the time that my eyes read the numbers "7" and "11" and the little impulses in my brain put it together and said "Hey, that's a 7-11!", it was already 14 kilometers behind us. I thought about rolling down a window and just jumping out of the car. ...Hey, it always worked for the A-Team, right? But I kind of think the A-Team always did that in cars that were only moving at about 70 mph. Not even B.A. Barracus could have successfully barrel rolled out of this baby. I think had I tried, I would have hit the ground and just exploded into a fine powder. Best case scenario, the remaining forward momentum would carry me straight into China. I realized the only thing I could do was go to sleep. That way, at least I would die peacefully. And, if by some miracle, some statistical improbability, that we actually made it to my hotel in one piece, I wouldn't have died on the way due to my heart exploding. It was kind of hard to doze off in the Death Taxi at first, but I just closed my eyes and thought about the last Japanese TV I'd watched, and before I knew it I was in Slumber City.

I was expecting to wake up in front of St. Peter and the Pearly Gates, just in time to hear him say I'd retaliation-kanchoed one too many Japanese schoolkids and my place was not going to be here, but downstairs. Instead, I woke up in front of my hotel. ...Holy shit? We made it? Alive? If'n that aint a miracle, I simply don't know what is. Suddenly, I felt like Jimmy Stewart in the closing scenes of It's a Wonderful Life. Mr. Taxi Driver interrupts my bliss though to tell me it'll be 250 baht (about $7) for the taxi. There were about a million things I wanted to say at this point, but my lack of Thai communicative ability aside, I suppose I did hire his services to get me to the hotel, and we were here at the hotel. I paid with 300 baht, the driver gave me 50 baht change, and I prepared to leave what could have been my coffin. The driver stops me again. "Tip?" He says.

.............You have got to be out of your goddamned mind.

And again, this is something I really wanted to say but just had no idea how to. If I ever go back, I will make sure to bring signs with me, written in Thai beforehand, and then just hold them up ala Wil E. Coyote. Among the ones I'll need, such as "Where is the nearest skytrain station?" and "No, I don't want a 'sexy' massage", "You have got to be out of your goddamned mind" will definitely be a must-have. Without my Acme Signs, I simply just handed the guy 40 baht (about $1) and escaped the taxi. I don't really consider this tipping Mr. Death Taxi Driver so much, as I consider it a general showing of gratitude to whatever higher power saved my ass that day, be it God, Buddha, or Spiderman.

Thailand is a colorful and immensely interesting country. If you haven't been already, I do recommend you go at least once in your life, especially while it's so close and cheap from Japan. ...Just be cautious of the taxis. ...Especially ones with broken speedometers.

*As you all know, Lonely Planet travel books are compilations written by various authors. I found the Thailand one hilarious, because it was really easy to figure out which authors were female and which ones were male. Female authors wrote stuff like "Despite the disgustingly high concentration of prostitution in Thailand, you can enjoy yourself in these places instead..." while their male counterparts wrote stuff like "of course, you'll be wanting to avoid the high-traffic prostitution areas...so that means you'll want to stay away from (this area). Oh, and (this area). Oh, and if you don't want to see really cheap prostitutes, definitely don't go here." I could almost feel them winking and nudging me from beyond the pages.

The other thing I found particularly hilarious was this golden little nugget, reproduced faithfully - "White prostitutes from as far away as Russia (popular with Asian male sex tourists) and black male prostitutes from Nigeria (primarily servicing female sex tourists from Japan can all be had in Pattaya." ...Aint that some shit? I can't be the only one awfully amused by this. It just blows my mind...

Girl 1: You know Reiko, I have always wondered what it would be like to just get sexually destroyed by a large black man...
Girl 2: Well, I heard that there's a lot of African male whores out in Thailand...
Girl 1: ..........We are SO there.

If you happen to know a Japanese girl, next time you see her I want to you ask if she's ever been to Thailand, and if she has, have some fun pondering if she got sexxed up by a large black African while she was there. I really want to see this for myself. I didn't make it out to that neck of the woods this time around, but I'm determined to go back one day and witness this in person.

...Maybe I could even stand around on the side of the road and make a few extra dollars.