Dinner and a movie. It's been the date standards since we stopped clubbing women over their heads with blunt objects and dragging them back to our caves. Not even dates - just hanging out, nothing better to do, your local movie theater or video rental shop is a refuge for the mentally un-challenged. And this would be perfectly acceptible if Hollywood had a high quality percentage, where even if the movie didn't fit your tastes at least it kept you entertained and happy for an hour and a half.

...But we all know that's not true. Hollywood's crap to quality ratio is disturbingly out of check.

We men are natural movie connoisseurs. Give us something with a hero, a pretty girl, a bad guy, and lots of explosions along the way, and generally we're good to go. Unfortunately, women don't quite see eye to eye with us on this matter, and here is where the problems start. Many women like their movies to have emotions, feelings, and all that other crap. And surprisingly few explosions. We men can put up with these movies...but ladies, do realize that they cause of a significant amount of pain, how much depending on how bad the movie is. So, I was thinking, it'd be nice if we could work out some sort of payment system. Like, we watch a movie we ordinarily wouldn't have gone kicking and screaming to see, and depending on how much it hurt, you ladies pay us for our troubles.

The system is still in its experimental stages, so I haven't quite worked out the bugs yet. So far, based on some of the stinkers I've been subjected to, I've managed to come up with the following...

The Movie: Queen of the Damned

The Damage: I saw this movie with one of those Female Friends. You know - the ones who you're sooooooo close to emotionally....which means you will never, ever get the pussy. Abraham Lincoln would come back to life as a zombie and put the slaves BACK into bondage before you'd have a shot at hitting it. Eh, whatev.

It's about a trendy vampire Lestat, who lives in the 1700's or something. He goes around biting necks and all is well, but at some point decides he's way too trendy for this boring world. So he climbs into his coffin and takes a nap...sleeping through a few minor events (Civil War, World War, Civil Rights Movement, Treasure Trolls, etc...), only to be awoken during the present day...by the sound of a bunch of goths rocking out in his cemetary. I was kind of hoping he'd kill them all and go back to sleep and the movie would be over, but apparently God doesn't love me that much, because what really happened was...

Goths: Hey, who're you man?
Lestat: I'm a vampire.
Goths: No way.
Lestat: (does some teleporting around) Way.
Goths: .........Sweet. Wanna rock out?
Lestat: Sure.

And you know when this is how a movie starts, you are in for a world of pain.

Lestat becomes a world famous rock star, and at some point decides he wants to "out" all the vampires living incognito in the world. Some more stuff happens, some stupid normal people do stupid things, Aaliyah becomes a completely whacked out vampire queen, and I started questioning my own existance while quietly sobbing.

The Payout: She can no longer complain about you playing video games. In fact, she should get behind you and give you a shoulder rub while you liberate the universe from the evil overlord Zarghthrog and his Deonysis Empire.

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The Movie: Red Dragon

The Damage: I saw this movie on a date. ...It was her idea. Who the fuck recommends Red Dragon on a date? This should have been my sign from the heavens to turn tail and run like the wind, but sadly back then I was still quite stupid. "Sure, if it'll get me closer to getting some" I thought, but you quickly realize that much like the consolation of having the dentist's assistant with the large boobies accidentally rub them across your face as you're getting a root canal, some things aren't worth the pain you have to endure to get it.

This movie is just an attempt to bank off the cash cow that was Silence of the Lambs. I guess there was some other killer, Red Dragon, and he was a twisted psycho and 'ol what's her face had to enlist the help of everyone's favorite Happy Gourmet Hannibal Lecter to catch him. Some people get burned alive, eaten by pigs, eaten by Hannibal, I dunno, some general fucked up stuff, I wasn't paying attention. I was trying to count how many guys were getting blow jobs in the back of the theater. I counted four, but I'm not quite sure about the last couple - the girl might have dropped something between the seats or something.

The only question left is do you do dinner before or after the movie about cannibals?

The Payout: Costume play. French maid, schoolgirl, cheerleader, schoolgirl cheerleader who is a French maid afterschool, whatever your twisted heart desires. Personally, I'd go with Chun-Li from Street Fighter. Complete with a SNES controller "plugged in" in the back that would let me pause whenever she did a high kick.

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The Movie: A Snake of June

The Damage: This was an indie Japanese film I was forced to watch with an ex by video rental. ...Most "indie" films are already a recipe for disaster, but an indie Japanese film is really asking for it. Whereas a regular indie film would be a kick to the crotch, a Japanese indie film is like a kick to the crotch by the kicker for the Green Bay Packers...who's wearing high heels.

A housewife is shocked one day to find a voyeur has taken pictures of her masturbating, and threatens to show the pics to her husband if she doesn't cooperate with his twisted sexual fantasies. ...Although why the husband would get upset over this is beyond me. "Oh my God! You were...not cheating on me?" While abiding to the voyeur's exhibitionist and borderline humiliating demands, the wife has a sexual revolution of her own. Some artsy fartsy crap happens, and at some point I went from thinking about how much sex my ex was going to owe me after this movie, to just being angry and wanting to go to sleep. Despite the gratituous amount of sex/nudity in this film, I just couldn't care anymore. That's how utterly and completely this movie broke my spirit. Oh yeah, the entire movie was in a blue tint too, can't forget about that.

The final scene (I think) involved the wife standing outside naked in the rain in front of her husband and the voyeur, crying and masturbating. In the blue tint. I think this part was supposed to represent what the viewers were feeling as they watched this movie. Except for the masturbating while crying in the rain thing. (I've done all three....just never at the same time....) At some point I just really blanked out on this movie, and pretty much the only thing that ran through my head was "Yo listen up - here's a story, about a little guy that lives in the blue world...and all day and all night and everything he sees is just blue - like him - inside and outside..."

The Payout: She should pay your ensuing therapy bills.

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The Movie: The Transporter

The Damage: "Now, waitaminute," you must be saying, "isn't The Transporter a guy-action flick?" Well, you would be correct, but let me explain.

Many movies require the audience to have to a certain degree a suspension of disbelief. Guns that fire endlessly without reloading, cars that explode upon impact for no apparent reason, the very notion that Hugh Grant could actually be a heart-throb - it's not realistic, but it keeps us entertained, so we check reality at the door and just enjoy the ride. But sometimes, a movie asks for too much, and The Transporter was one of those movies.

This was a rental with two friends, one male and one female. We guys of course had some excellent movies in mind, most of which involved someone with a gun shooting a lot of people. The girl, however, was browsing the "romantic comedy" section, and nothing good ever comes of that. I guess I should be thankful, it could have been so much worse...

Her: Hey, here's a good one...how about Keanu Reeves in "Sweet November"?
Us: ........NO!

The Transporter was a film that she didn't object to, and it seemed to have plenty of guns and nonsensical exploding cars, so we rented it. In this movie, Jason Statham's character (I completely forgot his name...so I'm just going to call him Turkish ala Snatch) is paid very handsomely to transport things (here you see the genious of the movie title). He transports his cargo and usually doesn't ask any questions. But this time, his cargo happened to be a young, cute Asian girl. He delivered her as promised, but cute Asian girl escapes certain death and runs into Turkish again, who reluctantly agrees to help her. He takes her back to his home, with the order to be gone by morning.

Breach of "Suspension of Disbelief" Contract #1 - Not only is cute Asian girl not gone in the morning, Turkish awakes to find she's cooked him breakfast. ...I can't remember the last time any girl has ever cooked me breakfast, and I certainly haven't delivered any of them to evil gangs intent on raping and murdering her (at least not that I remember...). Granted, I don't have the best insight into the female mind, but I'd think if I was being pursued by gangs who wanted to kill me, hitting the kitchen would be the last thought on my mind. Anyway, after enjoying breakfast the gang who was after the girl decides they still want her dead, so to do so they launch a volley of bullets and rockets into Turkish's nice house. Turkish and cute Asian girl barely manage to escape thanks to a secret underwater escape route.

Breach of "Suspension of Disbelief" Contract #2 - After escaping the house, Turkish is understandably upset about his nice home having gotten rocketed. He turns around to see cute Asian girl, now all wet and horny. So, of course, it's time for some sex! ...We actually laughed at this one. This gets my vote for Most Displaced Sex Scene Ever. Unless you can find me a movie with something like...

Maria: John, I'm afraid I have some bad news. You survived the car crash...but the doctors had to amputate your arms and legs.
John: ...Oh my God!
Maria: And furthermore, your heart failed, so we gave you a '77 Ford Pinto carburetor instead.
John: Sweet Jesus, no!
Maria: ...But you know, I've always had a thing for quadrapeligic cyborgs...
John: ...Hey baby.

I think if I was a cute Asian girl I'd be offended at this. What kind of message is this sending? "Hey big boys, save me from an exploding house and I'll be all wet for you, literally AND figuratively. And save me from the big bad gangs and I'll make you breakfast too!" And granted, I've never had my humble abode leveled by rockets, but I kind of think I'd be focused on that rather than stopping to bone some random Asian girl I had in the trunk of my car yesterday. I mean, it just........eh, fuck it. Y'know what, Turkish got him some, and you should too if you're ever forced to watch this movie with a girl.

The Payout: While dressed up as a parking valet, she should use one hand to make breakfast, and her free hand to masturbate while standing outside in the snow. ...In a green-tinted world. ...While your house explodes.